The Birth of Kano: Memoirs of Yukiko Kazan

[Yukiko]

December 21, 413 A.W.

My name is Yukiko. I turned 9 two days ago. I’ve never kept a journal before, so I’m not sure what I’m supposed to write. But my big brother Genji said it would be good for me. He wants me to write at least every other day. So here I am. Genji says I need an outlet for my feelings. Something other than training in Hotaka, swordplay and firebending. I suppose he’s right. It’ll be safer at least. It’s kind of late tonight, so I guess I’ll head to bed. I’ll explain why Genji gave me a journal tomorrow.

[Yukiko]

December 22, 413 A.W.[/color]

So. The reason for the journal is because of the past year. My family of 8 has been cut down to 2: Genji and me. Mama died a month after I turned 8. She killed people for the Fire Nation before she died. I think she was called an assassin? We were told she was caught and killed on assignment. Some say she was killed on the Fire Lord’s orders. I don’t know if that’s true.

Mama used to be part of the Northern Water Tribe. She used to tell me stories about living there and why she left. She was always very loyal to the Nation once she joined, so there was no reason to kill her. We never got to see her body after it was brought back, so maybe it is. I don’t much care. It hurt not having her anymore, but at least I still had my brothers and Papa.

Then Papa became sick for the longest time...He finally died about two weeks ago. I really think he just died of a broken heart. My four oldest brothers all died before him. They were off fighting in the Bulwark. Arashi and Raiden were the oldest. They would’ve been 26 this year. An infected wound killed Arashi; he was the second to go. Raiden...All we got back were his dog tags. They say a demon ate him; he died about two months before Kishi. Hikaru would’ve been 21. He was our first loss, barely a week after Mama; captured and tortured to death by...someone. I don’t remember who. Kishi had just turned 19 when he died; he was the last to go, just days before Papa. He was recovering from being poisoned by a demon. They said the infection wouldn’t have spread so quickly if he hadn’t already been so weak from the poison. Genji’s only 15, but 2 or 3 years and he’ll probably join the Army, too. I really don’t want him to, after what happened to the others. He’s all I have left. But I know he will. And then I’ll lose him, too...I don’t know what’ll happen then.

[Yukiko]

December 24, 413 A.W.

This whole thing seems stupid to me. I don’t know what to write about! And Genji won’t tell me. He just keeps saying, “Write whatever you want to. It’s YOUR journal.” He may be my second favorite brother, but he’s so unhelpful sometimes!

I suppose I could write more about my family...That should be okay, right? Suppose I’ll start with Mama. Before she married Papa, her name was Mizutani Kasumi. She was a Waterbender from the Northern Water Tribe. She wasn’t very good, but she tried. Mama always said she was stifled in the North Pole, whatever that means. Women weren’t allowed to be warriors, like they are here. They could only be healers. Mama was a fighter, she said. I can believe that. She taught my brothers all about hand-to-hand combat. I was just beginning to learn when she died. She was really good at it. Anyway, she left her tribe when she was 16. Said she couldn’t take it anymore. She traveled the world after that, she said. She visited the Airbender temples and the South Pole and Kiyoshi Island. But mostly, she traveled through the Earth Kingdom and Allied Earth States. She said she eventually joined the Si Wong Desert Raiders but ran into Papa and saw the light. After proving her loyalty to the Fire Lord, she became a citizen of the Nation. ^_^ That’s when she became an assassin for the Fire Lord. All the skills she’d learned from the Raiders was turned to the cause of our Nation.

Mama didn’t much like talking about her past. But I wanted to know my heritage, you know? Even though to me, she would always be just Mama. MY mama. Quietly dignified and solemn, yet quick to laugh and play. She was tough as any Fire Nation soldier but looked fragile and delicate as a cherry blossom. Papa liked to say that I was almost a mini-Kasumi. Can’t complain about that, really. She was a great woman...a great mama...Gods, how I miss her.

[Yukiko]

December 25, 413 A.W.

I couldn’t finish yesterday’s entry. I’ll probably just...write about each of them on a single day...That...that should be okay. I can handle that...

Arashi and Raiden...where to start with them? I’m not sure what to say, exactly. I never really spent much time around them, you know? They were 17 already when I was born. All grown up and everything. I think they were at training for the Imperial Army the day I was born. They visited often, but that doesn’t really mean much. Not to me, anyways. To me, they were...I don’t know. There was a...presence to them. Like spirits, almost, or gods. Untouchable. Something that made me want to reach out and make sure they were real. I did that, sometimes. Just stretched out my hand to touch their clothes, their faces, their hair. They’d laugh and tease me about the way I looked at them when I did. But it didn’t seem to bother them...They were good to me, my big brothers. Arashi gave me my first practice sword when I was seven...it was HIS first sword, too. And Raiden gave me his old belt to go with. The two fit together perfectly, like my brothers.

Physically, Arashi and Raiden were identical. Cropped black hair, hairless faces, and lean muscular bodies. Amber eyes, like Papa’s. Really, they were younger versions of Papa. But their personalities were total opposites. Arashi, the older one, was very levelheaded and rarely argued. Raiden was hotheaded and always getting into fights. Yet they worked in unison. It seemed they did pretty much everything like that. As one person. They were inseparable. I loved that about them. They even trained and fought like that.

When Arashi died...it was like the light just left Raiden’s eyes. Like he wasn’t really alive anymore...just EXISTING. I wasn’t surprised when he died. No one was, really. I was a little happy actually, though I know I should’ve been mourning. But it was worse seeing Raiden the way he was. Whenever h visited, he looked so lost...so BROKEN...I hated seeing one of my spirit-brothers like that. At least now, he’s with his other half again. They’re whole now. How can I not be happy about that?

[Yukiko]

December 28, 413 A.W.

I think of all my brothers, Hikaru was the easiest to get close to. For me, at least. Even though we weren’t what most would call “close”. Everyone else complained that you could never figure out what he was thinking. Which was true. He was difficult to read. Always quiet and really bookish. Hikaru was a thinker, a planner. He was never as good with a sword as the others. But he knew strategy. That was Hikaru’s thing, you know? Thinking things out, even if he never talked about it.

He used to sit beneath the cherry tree in our backyard, reading musty old books or working on a...discourse?...I think that’s the word. He’d sit for hours at a time, never moving from a single position. Mama often sent me to bring tea and snacks to him. He could be absentminded about eating and stuff. But I liked that about him. I’d join him when Mama sent me out. We usually sat in silence. I didn’t want to disturb his quiet, but I liked being near him when he studied. The focus on his face...determination in his eyes...I don’t know. I understood, I guess. I was like that about my firebending.

Sometimes he’d talk about what he was reading or writing. I almost never knew WHAT he was talking about, but he’d answer every question I ever had. Which didn’t always help, but at least he tried. It never felt like he was talking down to me, as he sometimes did with others...more like he was just bouncing thoughts off me. Maybe he understood me, too. At least more than the others. I don’t think either of us really KNEW what was going on in the other’s head...but that was ok for us. It was an idle game of sorts, I suppose. Who would figure the other out first? I’ll never know now...

[Yukiko]

December 31, 413 A.W.

Kishi was, by far, my least favorite brother. I still loved and respected him...but he was so FRUSTRATING to me. He was an arrogant man and, worse still, a vain one. Well...I suppose he had good reason to be, really. He had good looks and the skill to defend whatever he might say in his arrogance.

He was considered incredibly handsome...a perfect blend of Fire Nation and Water Tribe. His skin was a caramel color and flawless. His muscles were well defined, but not overly large. He had long, silky black hair that stopped just below a strong, slightly narrow jaw. His eyes were almond-shaped, like mine, but were the deep amber typical in the Fire Nation. And tall...he was really, really tall. He towered over the rest of us, even Arashi and Raiden who were both 6’. Kishi had to have been at least 6’4, 6’5. And when he was still in school, girls were always at the house visiting him. It was always a different one after a week or two. They were annoying...giggly and foolish. Never stopped him from bringing them over. I don’t know what he saw in them.

Not only was he handsome, Kishi was also the gem of Papa’s family. An unrivaled swordsman, despite his youth. He, more than any of my other brothers, lived by his sword. Trusted only his own strength. When he was my age, he could force Arashi and Raiden into a draw...even when the twins fought together against him. By the time he joined the Imperial Army, the family spoke of giving him the rank of Master within a few more years. For Kishi, the sword was truly an extension of himself. This is perhaps the only reason I hold any respect for him. He took his swordplay very seriously. And, for whatever reason, he spent a lot of time training me. All of my brothers had a hand in my training...but Kishi was the one I considered my mentor with swordplay. He was extremely strict...a perfectionist, pointing out the tiniest flaws in my stance and execution. But...I’m a better wielder for it...I thank him for that.

[Yukiko]

January 2, 414 A.W.

I got into a fight today. I didn’t win because we were stopped before it could go very far. I’m not sure I would have won, even if the fight had continued. The...girl...broke my left arm and burned the upper part of it pretty well, as well as burning my lower right leg. It was mostly my clothes, though. Somehow, my hair managed to avoid catching fire. But I made sure she didn’t leave unscathed either. Last I heard, her burns were still being tended to. And I think there was mention of permanent scarring. I thank Hikaru for teaching me the little trick of “coating yourself “ in your element so as not to be badly hurt by others. It was originally an Earthbending technique, I think. But Hikaru said it could be adapted to any style; he had used it with his Waterbending, after all. It’s hard to do while under pressure, but it still worked.

Genji’s not very happy with me right now. That should probably bother me more, but somehow I couldn’t care less...I can’t stop thinking about how it felt. I felt...alive, I guess. I didn’t know I had been feeling so dead inside. I’m not a fighter, honestly. I’m CAPABLE as one, I just...don’t usually like to...not over stupid things, anyways. It’s pointless to! So this is the first time I’ve FOUGHT someone. The little arguments I’ve had before...sparring...they were nothing like this. There was nothing but me, my opponent...and anger. I...I’ve never been so furious before...

But today, this girl...Kiyohi Hotaru...she and I have never got on very well. She’s perhaps three years older than me and is one of the top benders for her age at the Royal Fire Academy, the top school in the Nation. She’s been studying at the intermediary level for the past year. I’ve only taken one or two classes for Firebending there, but I’ve been tutored since I was 5, so I’m almost at the Intermediate level. I take other classes at the Academy, though, and all of my tutors are instructors there, so I often go to the grounds to practice. Hotaru started talking about my family... See, it’s rare for firebenders to be born into Papa’s family. It’s just not in the blood, like swordplay is. Not only that, but Mama was from the Northern Water Tribe. So the kids from firebending families, like Hotaru, don’t much care for me. But that was never a problem before...I suppose because they weren’t dead before....

She started saying I was just a joke as a firebender, calling my parents disgraceful and my brothers pathetically weak...insult after insult...and she didn’t even have the decency to say these things TO me! It went on for about an hour before I finally snapped at her. And then we had what amounted to an Agni Kai right in the courtyard, which the teachers quickly ended once they realized how serious we were. When Genji picked me up today, he asked what I had been thinking. “She’s three years your senior and considerably more skilled than you! You could have died Yukiko! What the hell made you think you could POSSIBLY win?!?” And I told him it wasn’t about winning. It’s about standing up for myself. It’s about showing that I’m not just talk. That I don’t want to be treated like I’m nothing. Someone of no consequence. And that my family isn’t disgraceful and pathetic because of what’s happened or because of our past. He was quiet after that.

[Yukiko]

January 8, 414 A.W.

It’s been almost a week since my last entry. The doctor says my arm and leg are healing nicely and there shouldn’t be any problems with them. Minimal scarring at most, which is nice. I’ve already got the massive scar from Hotaka on my belly.

So. I think I’ll pick up where I left off about my family: Papa. The best way to describe him is just...to call him a good man. He was loving and devoted to our family. But...he was always at odds with Grandfather. Grandfather is a nobleman. The Kazan family is highly respected amongst the noble families in the Fire Nation, despite their noted lack of Firebenders. Their skill with the sword is unrivaled by most in the Fire Nation and history is filled with accounts of our ancestors. Papa’s swordsmanship was as good as the rest, really. But he was also a Firebender. Some of the other nobles sometimes said Papa was a scandal. I’m not sure why anyone would think that. Papa looks just like Grandfather, I think. But I think that was part of why he and Grandfather never got along. I never heard the story of it. No one would tell me.

Papa was an awkward man in the formal settings that our family often put him in. He said they were all too stuffy for his taste. But he wasn’t a man of action either. I don’t think I ever saw Papa lose his temper. He was calm, always in control. But what I remember most is how great he was as a bender. I don’t think I can say he was a Master, but he definitely knew some very Advanced moves. I loved to watch him train. We all did. It was the only time I could ever say he was elegant, beautiful even, making the fire dance around him. He helped me with my own Firebending. If I wasn’t working with my tutors, I was working with him. He always stressed that it was an honor to be a Firebender. That we, like every other bender (and every person) should strive to maintain balance between the four elements. One element is not better or more powerful than the others. Sometimes he’d go on these really long ramblings about the idea. Something about Fire Lord Ozai and other things. I don’t really remember all of it. All I needed to know was how he felt about bending, especially Firebending. “It’s a privilege, Yuki. A privilege to manipulate the elements,” he always said.

I believe that with all my heart. That’s why I still try my best with my bending. Papa would be ashamed if I slacked. I don’t ever want to make Papa or Mama ashamed of me, even though they’re dead now.

[Yukiko]

January 28, 414 A.W.

I don’t write in this nearly as often as I should. I don’t know. I just don’t feel much need to most days. Genji always harps on me about just sparring and training Hotaka. But that’s really all I need! That’s how I express myself, how I deal with things. Everything else makes me think of my brothers, of Mama and Papa. It hurts too much, thinking about them right now. Why doesn’t Genji get that? I spar and I train and I work with Hotaka because I DON’T HAVE TO THINK FOR THAT. My mind can drift and I can feel okay. I’m tired of my heart hurting all the time.

Grandfather wants to send me to some doctor for it. A...therapist, I think he called it. He said it was a doctor who specialized in listening to people’s problems and helping with them. Genji said some nasty words to Grandfather, but I think the gist of it was that I wasn’t going to talk to some doctor about problems that didn’t exist. Genji was pretty serious about it.

[Yukiko]

February 16, 414 A.W.

I’ve started seeing this doctor Grandfather wanted me to visit. It was because I got into trouble at school two days ago. Not with Hotaru and no Firebending was involved. I just slapped one of my classmates, Li-hua Song, and a teacher reported me. Li-hua called Genji creepy and a lot of other, crueler things. I told her to shut her damn mouth mind her tongue. She doesn’t know anything about my brother, so she has no right to say anything. She said I was an ignorant fool clinging to delusions about my family’s importance. I said if she said one more thing about my family, I’d slap her. She called my parents’ marriage an abomination that my grandfather never should have allowed. And that my brothers and I were unholy bastards. So I slapped her.

Grandfather said that was the last straw. If I couldn’t keep myself out of trouble, then I obviously needed help. Things have been difficult enough for the family without me adding to it with my “scandalous behavior.” So today I visited this Doctor Xing-fu. He’s a portly old man, good friends with Grandfather. He was nice enough, I guess. He asked me a lot of questions about my family and I answered as honestly as I could. Maybe he’ll see that I’ll be fine if people will just stop prying so much or harassing me. I’ve never needed to talk about things before. I don’t see why I should start now.

[Yukiko]

February 24, 414 A.W.

I told Doctor Xing-fu about this journal. He agrees that I should be keeping one. “It’s good for jotting down ideas, if nothing else,” he said.

Ideas about what? It didn’t make any sense. I think he might be getting a little too old for his work, if he can’t make sense to a 9-year-old. I’m just doing this to keep Genji happy, anyway.

[Yukiko]

March 3, 414 A.W.

I think Grandfather might have been right in sending me to Xing-fu. The guy doesn’t pry where I don’t want him to. In fact, he usually asks me about Hotaka and my other training. We meet twice a week and I’m basically giving him updates on how my training and studies are going. It seems like a bit of a waste, but it’s Grandfather’s money. And I have been staying out of trouble since I started going.

Hotaru returned to classes today. She’d been gone ever since our duel. I was expecting her to do something once she was back and I wasn’t disappointed. She walked right up to me during lunch and spat in my face. She said something afterwards, but I don’t really remember what. I zoned out and ignored her. I was a little surprised she didn’t try to fight me again, though I’m glad she didn’t. I’m getting tired of Grandfather being annoyed with me and Genji getting all pissy.

My arm and leg have completely healed, by the way. The scarring isn’t too bad, really. They should fade away with time, the doctors say. I almost hope they don’t. I’m kind of proud of them, actually.

[Yukiko]

March 7, 414 A.W.

Hotaru has been suspended from the Academy until further notice. I don’t know why, though I’m sure her behavior towards me the past several days had something to do with it. And probably a few words from Xing-fu to Grandfather. And from Grandfather to Headmaster Chang.

Honestly, I’m at a point where I just don’t care. My heart doesn’t hurt anymore, but I don’t really feel anything else either. I think I said earlier that I hadn’t realized how dead I was feeling until I fought Hotaru. It’s kind of like that. I really feel as though my heart is buried in the ground with my brothers and parents. Even though I still have Genji, it’s not enough. I’m so used to having a huge family that’s super supportive and just THERE. And now I don’t have that.

I get really lonely, sometimes. I feel alone amidst this sea of people. I don’t know what to do with myself, except to train harder and longer. To work more closely with Hotaka. To just...find a reason to keep going. It’s really hard to find one, though. How can you keep going when nearly everything you’ve ever known is dead and gone?

I wonder if this is how Avatar Aang felt when he woke up from his century-long sleep.

[Yukiko]

May 26, 414 A.W.

School is out for the summer. I know it’s been months since I last wrote in this, but I’ve been distracted. Schoolwork and training are a bit more important than keeping a journal, I think. But Genji mentioned it to me today, asking if I was keeping up with it. Of course I answered honestly and said I hadn’t thought about it. He seemed upset by that.

I can’t understand why it bothers him so much. He doesn’t keep a journal. Why should I?

[Yukiko]

June 5, 414 A.W.

Genji and I are vacationing in Chameleon Bay this summer. I’m writing on the beach on the northern side of the Bay. Apparently it’s a lot safer here than on the southern half. I suppose that makes sense, since the south borders with the Allied Earth States. Grandfather wasn’t happy about the decision. He said it would be really expensive and probably dangerous. Genji basically blew him off, saying we needed to get away from the Fire Nation for awhile.

I’m on the fence about it. I know Grandfather’s points are valid, but I also am happy that I’m outside of the country. I brought Hotaka along, too. He’s been a bit easier to handle of late. He’ll still wander off and do his own thing if I don’t keep a close eye on him. But at least he’ll come running if I call for him. He never used to.

Speaking of which...I think I’m going to have to go hunting for the little devil. Though I suppose little is the wrong word to use. He’s already taller than I am!